Wedding Planning

I feel like I have failed. This school year was really hard. I tend to shut down when I am stressed and that has been my MO this year. A lot of my students failed and it is hard not to blame myself. Also, my uncle passed away unexpectedly and I haven't even really dealt with it yet. I can't believe he is gone. We were just starting to get to know him again. It is all kind of awash in the whirlwind of wedding planning. No rest for the weary. I can't wait for my honeymoon. I definitely need a vacation. I am starting to feel like everyone is mad at me. Paranoid? There is so much responsibility laid at my feet. And it shouldn't even be overwhelming. It just is. I hate doing the best I can and feeling like it isn't good enough. I also suck at dealing with change and marriage is a big one. I am getting a whole new name! Scary to wonder who you will be when people call you something different than what you have been called your whole life. My fiance is the best guy ever and he is perfect for me. If I wasn't sure about this decision I might get cold feet and call it all off. This is too much. Which is why I drink.
OMG, there is a commercial for an exercise dumbbell looking thing that shakes back and forth to "isometrically" work you out. It looks like jacking off. Good thing you can use it in the privacy of your own home.
I am wearing shorts for the first time in a decade. At least. I went shopping with mommers and she bought me swimsuits and shorts for my honeymoon. I think I feel guilty about all the money she is spending on my wedding. Especially since we are over budget. Argh! Why am I always plagued with feelings of guilt? My mom says that is a "being in your 20's" thing, but I don't know. As I near the end of my 20's it doesn't seem to be abating.
Usually alcohol makes me excited. Usually I drink when I am excited. Maybe alcohol doesn't create feelings that aren't there, but only serves to exacerbate the feelings already present. I am meeting a friend soon. God I hope he gets here quickly.

Buzzed

I haven't drank in a while. Especially not by myself. It is kind of fun. I forgot that this is how I blow off steam. I have been so stressed lately, end of the quarter and all. I have to turn in grades on Friday. At which point spring break kicks in. The students (high school) that I teach are all excited about spring break. "I can't wait for spring break!" they say, as if they expect sympathy. My reply is, invariably, "you have NO idea". Rest assured that your teachers do not have an easy job. Caring about people is always rough. Especially when all you want to do is see them succeed and all they want to do is resist you at every turn. I feel like I have been fighting a battle this week and I am war weary. When I offer my lunches and after school time all week to stay and help people make up their grade and they ask, "how long do we have to stay?". Even to get them to stop by, I have to fight so hard. I could let them all fail and wallow in their laziness, but that is not in my nature. I was hired to do a job and I will do it. Even if it means sacrificing my time and energy (and occasionally my sanity). It kills me when a student has the personality to succeed and they just refuse. I am constantly trying to creatively come up with ways to teach and increase buy in. They cannot see beyond high school. I don't want them to suffer because of their own shortsightedness. My job is not entirely thankless, but it definitely takes everything that I have.

Super Happy

I love everyone. I am so excited about my life right now. I feel this way often in the morning when I first take the chemical deluge that comprises my morning routine. Adrenaline and serotonin with a small side of caffeine. Gosh I am getting a lot done. I am just awaiting the day when my heart explodes. It is all prescription, except for the caffeine.
I love my iPhone. It is my favorite toy and I think that I will never get another phone. Now I just have to sell my old one of eBay.
I am going to ride these feeling of contentment as long as I can.

Welcome

This is a blog for the times when I am feeling not myself. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. Some of it will be dreams and some of it will be drunken confessions. There's no earthly way of knowing...